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Post by Veszély on Sept 15, 2007 4:50:22 GMT 1
Corrections (would you please correct the mentioned mistakes in your posts? Otherwise, I feel quite like writing in vain )
Gaelb: Pay attention to the use of proper tenses. If you start a sentence "in the past" you can't possibly finish it with a present.(Eg. your sentence in the correct form: He soon realized the situation: the woman probably had never encountered aliens like them before, and now she was afraid of everyone.) Also, please revise the usage of conditional. Otherwise, I agree,your english is quite good. You use a lot of words, and that makes me happy
Nate: I couldn't find any mistakes. Next time, you write the corrections
Alex: I noticed you tried to use past perfect (had + verb) in your first sentence, but it's not necessary. "They had been there" has a meaning that they are not anymore. So in this sentence, simply use past continous (was+verb). Then: it's "instinctive", and "got to know". Besides, you have some spelling mistakes. Please find and correct them.
Ray: A quite good post. Please note the usage of spoken lines, which I wrote in my last post. Otherwise, in english we don't use characters lik ö,ü,ó... So it's "boo". Where you wrote The woman shocked, you missed a "was". She was shocked, and she shocked you means two different things. And unknow correctly is unknown.
Syylk When I started reading, I almost believed you made no mistakes. After that, I found some, here: "Fortunately - both him and the woman - he doesn't had to talk - the two human did it. He was just standing next to her, and waited.". It's "for him and the woman", and "standing(...)waiting"
And by the way, by the english word order, the name of your association is AFR (Alliance of Free Races).
These all were minor mistakes, good posts have been written during this round. And now...
The woman still looked afraid, but she slowly started to realize, that the persons around her gathered, beacuse they had heard her screaming. No one would hurt her - or at least it seemed so. She quitlye sobbed, then took a deep breath, and made a try to answer the young man's question. 'My... my daughter...Help her...,' she muttered incoherently.
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Post by fender26 on Sept 15, 2007 7:46:47 GMT 1
'What happened to her, Ma'am? ' asked the yarkora with a strong, tatooineian accent. While he was waiting for the answer, he quickly looked the gran up and down. It appears, that the three-eyed stranger made a good fun of the situation. The others, however, seemed to be helpful and friendly...
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Post by Nathaniel A. Rosenberg on Sept 15, 2007 8:32:21 GMT 1
//Yay! ;D//
Nate heard the gran denying his responsibility. Though he did not have the time to consciously use the Force, the small waves he always felt from all the lives surrounding him made it clear, that the gran's intentions were anything but compassionate. Not to mention his use of words. The young padawan met enough lowlife criminals to tell them apart from innocent people. The woman didn't say anything about the gran so it seemed that it wasn't him who caused all this. Still he had to be vigilant. Rosenberg might have been strong enough to defeat everyone here if it was inevitable, but it didn't seem necessary right then. He still did not know anything about the yarkora, he never met one before. He seemed friendly though when he tried to help. Nate didn't ask any other question, the woman wasn't in a good mental condition.
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Syylk
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Post by Syylk on Sept 16, 2007 16:27:03 GMT 1
'<Where is she?>'
He asked, after the question of the yarkora. Seemingly he didn't care about the woman's stage, but it wasn't true: he only was not a great reaction definer. He though that the woman simply want to get his daughter back, and that she wants them to hurry. The human emotions... they are really inexplicable. While he was standing there, he often glanced to Ray. The gran have been being a good friend, and he can be very helpful, but selfless help is not something in what he's good at...
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Post by Ray Gomez on Sept 19, 2007 18:13:52 GMT 1
She lost her daughter... that sounds terrible and this feeling ran through on Ray's back. He realized that the woman told the truth, and she is not crazy. Ray isn't a good boy, but now he recoiled, because he has got a girflfriend, and they want a baby ... and every parents dreadful dream is when they lost their own child. Ray want to help to this woman, if he can, but he is not a good detective or someone else, who can hunt for lost children. After then the yarkora and Syylk put up a question Ray put back his hands and wait for the woman's answers.
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Sruthan Alex
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Post by Sruthan Alex on Sept 21, 2007 19:59:22 GMT 1
Alex grabed his weapon - but after two seconds, he relased it. All of the unknow creatures didn't attack the woman, it looked like so, she was safe. He didn't say anything, becuase two people (the other man and the lama-like thing) asked the woman already. So, he just steped closer and wait for the criing woman's answer.
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Post by Veszély on Sept 24, 2007 14:29:33 GMT 1
Corrections:
Gaelb: A quite good post, there was only one, minor mistake (however, I'm glad you're practicing dictionary usage): sy is short for somebody, so that's the place where Ray's name should be put at.
Nate: Apart is a single p.
Syylk: Pay attantion of the s at the end of each verb, when using he or she as article.
Ray: You are jumping between present and past tenses in your post, try to avoid it in the future. The past form of run is "ran" instead of runned.
Alex, you have a few mistypings, you left out or switched a few letters, so pay attention to that. Then, I suppose you have some difficulties, converting verbs into past tense. no problem, that's why I write corrections, practice makes perfect. Here's the list of some expressions to correct: so it was look like = it looked like so she was in safe = she was safe -or- she was in safety
Also, you should have used already, instead yet. The two are translated similarily to Hungarian, but in English their meaning slightly differs.
I'd like to repeat myself, do not worry, if any of you make mistakes - we're here to gain experience. also, I would like to apologize, today, I am not in a quite good form, so if I happen to make major mistakes, please forgive me.
The woman sat there sobbing for a few minutes, trying to gather her strength - succesfully. Then she looked up to you. Her eyes were red of tears. 'She...she went out to the playing ground as always... Her pet, Dorado accompanied her. But... but she didn't come home. I followed her to check out, but... she was nowhere to be found. Only this...' what the woman had in her hand, was a red ribbon, which a little girl would surely tie her hair with. It was covered in dust, so the colour could hardly be remarked. 'I... I think... the Sand People did that to her...'
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Post by Nathaniel A. Rosenberg on Sept 24, 2007 14:38:57 GMT 1
Nate looked down at the woman:
"Why do you think it were the Sand People? And what kind of pet is Dorado?" - he added quickly
Somewhy it seemed unlikely to Rosenberg that the Sand People were responsible. Sure, they attacked people before but kidnapping young girls is something different. He wanted to look around at the playground, but for the time being there were enough questions for the woman.
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Post by fender26 on Sept 24, 2007 18:34:18 GMT 1
//oops, guess I'm ,,detected". By the way, I really used dictionary at that one, because I did not know the word //
'Where are those playing grounds, Miss? I assume they're inside the city? said his question. He was really interested in the answer. If the playing grounds wre inside the city walls, than it couldn't have been Tuskens. They would never dare to approach Mos Espa. But if they're outside...no one ever placed anything there besides moisture farms, it's dangereous! It would not make any sence, even the hutts don't put anyone in danger without reason...
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Syylk
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Post by Syylk on Sept 26, 2007 19:45:47 GMT 1
The necessary questions were asked, so Syylk has nothing left but wait for the answer...
//Sorry for the short post, but I don't really know what else could I write... //
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Post by Veszély on Sept 28, 2007 7:40:26 GMT 1
I won't wait for the others to write, for the necessary questions had been asked. and I'm sorry, but I'm skipping the corrections this round.
'The playing ground is just outside the city. I'll lead you there.' said the woman getting up. Obviously, the tought, that she managed to find someone to help her gave her strength. She walked so quickly that it was almost running, and she only answered the last of the questions, when you were many corners away of your starting point.
'I don't really know what kind of pet Dorado is. We just found him out in the desert. He was so lonely, and so cute, that Aleesa insisted we keep her. He's like a huge cat...' she stopped speaking, and took a look at you from the corner of her eyes. 'Do you know, what a cat is? well, doesn't matter anyways. So Droado's like a cat, but it's bigger, and has a wider face.'
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Post by Nathaniel A. Rosenberg on Sept 28, 2007 11:53:52 GMT 1
//If you don't mind Danger, i will correct them just this once Although not as well as you could, but i will try my best. Gaelb: You misstyped the words question and interested. Also, you used past tense, so you should have written: If the playing grounds were inside the city walls, than it couldn't have been Tuskens. They would never dare to approach Mos Espa. But if they were outside... Syylk Present and past tense here again And it is better to use nothing left to do, rather than nothing left, it would refer to quantity. The necessary questions were asked, so Syylk had nothing left to do but wait for the answer... Keep up the goord work guys, and now the fun begins // Nate was surprised at first, but then quickly took up the pace of the woman.
"Outside, that's not good, not at all" -he thought to himself while following the mother.
When they arrived at the scene, the padawan started looking for any kind of clue. Fresh footprints, lost objects, anything. He only stopped when he heard of Droado.
"Tatooine's wildlife is not that rich. Someone who has been living here should know the animals" - thought Rosenberg .
It was still too early to recreate the scenario, but Nate felt that the cat-like creature had something to do with all of this.
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Post by fender26 on Sept 29, 2007 11:07:20 GMT 1
The yarkora thought that the shining knight will be quite busy with searching clues, so he came up with another idea.
'Let's scout the area! Who's with me?' he asked, and while he was waiting for volunteers, he grabbed his blaster pistol, ready for some fire-fight...
//sorry, for I am always the first to ask the ,,necessary questions", guess I'll have to slow down a bit in the future //
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Post by Veszély on Oct 11, 2007 6:46:50 GMT 1
Excellent posts this turn! Congratulations.
I would also ask those, who skipped their posts this turn, to be active. I know it's hard to compose iun foreign languages, but all of us need practice. Besides, if you won't write, you'll miss the interesting parts.
The playground was just outside of Mos Espa, behind a huge sand dune. There were some ill-fabricated jungle gyms, a swing... and a whole lot of sand to make castles from. It takes a few minutes to gather some basic intel on what happened.
Someone has came from the desert, that could clearly be seen. A pair of footprints lead right into the center of the playground (where you can find Aleesa's shoeprints). It had no pattern, so it seemed he (she?) wore rags wrapped around his feet instead of shoes or boots. In the middle area, the prints are all blurred. Possibly some scuffle occured there, and then the same person who came here, returned to the desert. Next to the path he left, a wide stripe of sand appeared, as if he'd been dragging something. Also the prints are deeper this time, signifying, that the kidnapper possibly carried the girl on his shoulder.
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Syylk
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Post by Syylk on Oct 11, 2007 16:47:51 GMT 1
//Sorry, but I've been busy with school, and with a language exam. From now I'm completely back.//
Syylk was quiet until now: he was watching, and thinking. Luckily, he didn't know the Tatooine very well, but he knew that without water nobody can survive in the desert more than one or two day. From this fact, there werw two possibility: the kidnapper had some kind of base or ship not far from them, or he/she took the girl somewhere in the town. None of the possibilities was promising, still, they had to do something.
'<I suggest to follow the lead. As quickly as we can.>'
He was aware of the fact that he just said the obvious, but someone had to do it. He also knew that go to the desert without water is extremely dangerous, even for a creature like him. So he looked to the woman, and made his question.
'Where can we get water?'
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