Save Aleesa! /GM: Danger/

[Veszély]

Mos Espa, Tatooine
Shortly after nightfall

The night falls on Mos Espa just like every day... The chill of the desert night lurks between the sandstone buildings, forcing those, who had not yet finished the daily business, to pull their coats or cloaks around themselves. The clattering of the jawas, the shouting of the shopkeepers slowly dies away... That is the end of another ordinary day...

And suddenly a sharp scream breaks the silence into thousands of pieces. A womans scream. The woman keeps running in the thin alleys, crying for help...
- Help me! My daugther! She's been abducted!


But is there anyone to hear her begging for help?

[Veszély]

This entire message comes as off-game, because I would like to share some instructions with the players.

First of all: The order, in which you write does not matter, but everyone can only write a post once per turn.

This quest will consist of some thinking, but it mainly is about fighting. It might happen, that one ore more might die. In that case, do not worry; you can simply continue playing in hungarian, and later apply for non-hungarian quests. In this case, dying simply means, that the player is forced to quit the party.

I hope that's clear.

Now, I'd like to ask one of you to write the first post. Have fun!




Participants: Gaelb-Forees and the Gomez brothers (sounds like some Mexican music band, doesn't it?) , Sruthan Alex and Syylk, Nate

[fender26]

Gaelb was walking in the streets of Mos Espa, in the city, where he was born. *Long time, no see...* said to himself. He was never so calm, like right now. No problems, no stress. It appears that the nightfall has a very soothing effect. Not just on harmonic world,s like Alderaan, or Dantooine. But even here, at the dump of the Galaxy. But the yarkora's peace has been interrupted by a horrible scream.

'Help me! My daugther! She's been abducted!'

Gaelb turned to where the crying came from, and started to run. He himself was once cut away from the one he respected, and loved –his uncle-. And now, he must do whatever he can, to prevent that from repeating. However, there is a big difference this time: that the victim is not him...

[Ray Gomez]

The night was cold and it became darker and darker as Ray walking on the street to his droid shop. Corpen asked Ray to meet the new droid, who was found in the sand, an old and glorious HK unit. It was a really antique piece, with an extremely old processor. It might keep some important information. The mini jawas were running around Ray but he disturbed them furiously, finally he was near the shop, but something took his attention.

A woman ran toward him and started crying.
~Oh my god, another stupid beggar, who has got another stupid alibi.~
- Okay senorita. - Ray said. - What can i help you?

He thought, that the woman told him every problems and ask for some money he can shake off her. But that's sound very unusual... a girl was lost in the middle of this stupid Dust-world, and nobody found her. If he say some comforting words, he could walk forward to his shop.
Ray wasn't a "good boy", who help everybody and fighting against the evils. Someone think, he an evil too, an evil, with an original behaviour...

//My english is so bad? I say: Yes ... sure... please! //

[Syylk]

Syylk never loved this planet too much. Tatooine was full of immoral men, who'd do everything for money. The wookiee was a criminal, of course, but he liked to keep himself a man, who has a conscience. Even if it let him to do many, semi-evil things.
So, while he was thinking, he heard a cry. Usually he wouldn't do anything, but now he remembered his past, and his thoughts, and decided, to check the place. He started to run, and his droid barely could follow him.
And when he reached the origin of the cry, he surprised. A lot, because he saw an old friend of him - Ray Gomez. And Ray could have done that to her!

-<Ray? What the hell did you do to her?>

He started angrily, but he stopped, when he saw the look of the women. There was no hate for Ray in it. Ray Gomez, the mean businessman as a champion?

-<What happened to you? Do you need help?>

He asked, as friendly as he could, but a wookiee's voice always fearful...


//Sorry for the modification, but when I wrote the basic of this post, I had to hurry. Now I had a little more time, and because I'm not causing any crash in the story...
Anyway, I'd be glad, if you'd correct my mistakes. , so YES//

[Sruthan Alex]

Alex had just arrived to the planet, and he tried to find a place, where he could sleep. The other day he had a meeting with a mandator, but until morning, he had to sleep.
So, he was searching for a hotel, or something...
Suddenly, a woman's scream made him stop in the middle of the road. For a minute, he thought that he shouldn't go to help (because he was too tired) but his conscience told him to go. That's why, Alex sighed, and started to the screams direction.

//Sorry for the mistakes, but I'm REALLY, REALLY bad in english...//

//Yes//

[Veszély]

Oh yeah: here's what I forgot. If you want to, I can correct your mistakes at the beginning of my posts. Please state your opinion by modifying your last post and putting a //Yes// or //no// to the end.

I am still waiting for Ernesto's post.

[Ray Gomez]

//Sorry but Ernesto doesn't want to come. //

[Nathaniel A. Rosenberg]

//Hey, look who came to pay a visit ;D As far as I understand playing here does not affect anything outside this quest //

Nate spent all the day in the endless sands of Tatooine. It was a quite tiresome day, so he was pretty happy, that it was about to end. His only wish was to take a shower and then jump into the bed. Unfortunately things don't always go as they were intended. The young padawan was walking on a street back to his rented place, when a scream broke the silent of the night.

- Help me! My daugther! She's been abducted!

Rosenberg instantly knew that he had to help the woman. So he started running in the direction, he heard the screaming from. Unbeknownst to him there were others with the same motivation.

He had his lightsaber with him -well hidden. Apart from that his weaponry consisted of a blaster pistol on his right thigh, and his good old vibrosword on his back, in its case, decorated with markings of swordsmanship.

//Yes//

[Veszély]

Corrections

First of all, a common mistake (and, yes, I know I made it in the opening post). English written tects do not use "-" to begin spoken lines. Instead, they use apostrophes. So the words the lady spoke in my post should have looked like this:

'Help me! My daugther! She's been abducted!' she cried out.

I know, it's strange, and it really isn't easy to get used to it... but now is the best time to start


Gaelb-Forees: Since you did not answer, I will take it as a yes, sorry

I quote your first two sentences: "Mos Espa. In the city, where he was born". In fact that is not a mistake, but it would have been more elegant if you wrote one sentence out of the two. (Mos Espa, the city where he was born).
When you quote someone (write a spoken line or some thoughts), you should absolutely use he or she before the verb.
And one last thing: I know what you meant by that word, but instead of casualty, "victim" would have been more apropriate.
Besides, it was a nice post. Keep it up!

Ray: Yours is a nice one too, only a few minor mistakes, I have found
The whole text is written in past tense, so next time pay attention to change all the verbs. You left out "become", "think", "tells", "can" which sre still in present.
Meet with something means to experience something. The fform you wanted to use (I assume) is "meet someone" without "with".
A woman "was" running! Pay attention to the auxiliary verbs!
By the english word order, the subject stands before the verb. The correct form is: "Ray said".
And one more: you don't have to use articles before an adjective. (He was evil).

Syylk: In your third sentence, the verb is "to let", so before "do" you should not use "to". It's "let him do". But this is the only mistake I found. Congratulations!

Alex: When I first read your post, I have to tell the truth, it was full of mistakes. But I see you have corrected them now. The only problem is in the last sentence. When you mark possessions, you have to use an apostrophe (scream's).

Nate: Things we name "uncountable" always come in plural (sands). And it's "unbeknownst". But it's a great post, with neat use of words. Well, since I know you study english at university, I wouldn't wait anything else.

And now, let the fun begin




The woman stopped in her pace when the three-eyed beast appeared before him. The nocturnal shade and the stress she was feeling made the unknown more fearful than it's usual, so she did not recognize it beiing a gran. Her eyes filled with fear, then she cried out again, turned tail and started running in the opposite direction...

... from which, a giant, walking carpet was approaching, howling to her on a deep, growly voice. She turned again and again, but there were three other persons aprroaching. She might have thought they were planning to attact and maybe abduct her too... The woman burst into tears and collapsed to the dusty ground.

Now you all stand around the crying lady looking at each other...

[fender26]

Gaelb was very surprised by the other ,,guests". After all, that walking carpet was almost at the size of himself!

He soon realized the situation: the woman probably never encountered aliens like them before, and now she was afraid of everyone. The yarkora was standing there quietly, hoping someone would say something.

Gaelb thought that the woman would probably collapse, if a talking llama tries to calm her, so he left this job for another one of them, perhaps to that human, with the look of a shining knight...





//um, yes please. Much people say my english is very good, but you never know//

[Nathaniel A. Rosenberg]

It didn't take too long for Nate to arrive at the scene of the crime, only to see a lot different species standing around the woman. The young padawan was unsure wether the aliens were hostile to the poor person, so he slowly approached her, talking to her in a calm and friendly voice:

"Lady are you alright? Has someone hurt you?"

Rosenberg was ready to launch a full scale attack if it was required, but he hoped that the people standing around him had good intentions.

[Sruthan Alex]

When Alex arrived, there was a lot of creature arround the criing woman. All of the unknow people seems like an attacker, so he stoped in outside of the circle and grabed his weapon. But he didn't pull it out. It was just a simple instinctive move, it wasn't his intention to attack.
When the other human approached the woman and started to speak to her, Alex got to know, that he wasn't an attacker. But still, the other creatures might wanted to hurt the woman...

[Ray Gomez]

The woman was shocked and started running to the opposite side when a great wookie showed up. Ray recognized this wookie, the wookie was Syylk, the gran's friend.
The hopeless mother looked into Ray's brown three eyes, where she saw only money and big pupils.
- Boo. - Said Ray and finally the terrified woman collapsed.
But not only Syylk was the member of the clan. A new face Alex, turned up and saw only a very sad woman.
~Oh my God. Is this an AFR meeting?~ - Thought Ray.
New unknown people come to the crying and almost every eye ended at the innocent Ray. To save Ray's evidence, he said some words:
- Hmm... don't look at me guys. It wasn't me. I think this lowlife woman got mad in the sand... Is there a doctor here?

[Syylk]

Syylk When I started reading, I almost believed you made no mistakes. After that, I found some, here: "Fortunately - both him and the woman - he doesn't had to talk - the two human did it. He was just standing next to her, and waited.". It's "for him and the woman", and "standing(...)waiting"

And by the way, by the english word order, the name of your association is AFR (Alliance of Free Races).Shortly after Syylk arrived, another AFR-member came. He was Alex - and that was everything, what the wookiee knew about him. Anyway, three FRA member presence on the same spot was really weird.
Ray - like every time - made fun of the heartbreaking situation. That was obvious that he enjoyed to scare the woman. Syylk grunted to him, but it made the situation even worse.
Fortunately - both for him and the woman - he doesn't had to talk - the two human did it. He was just standing next to her, and was waiting.